What to Look for in a Potential Mate

With all the dating advice and badvice going around nowadays about choosing the perfect partner, special someone, significant other, soulmate, or whatever else you want to call it, I must weigh in with some advice of my own. People covet qualities that are shallow and ill-considered, good for short-term lust but not long-term, enduring relationships. Well, enough of that! Here are the must-haves in your ideal mate.

  1. A brain and nervous system. This really is the bare minimum here. Without these items, your partner will be boring, insensitive, and not a very good conversationalist. Also, they might not be alive. I once spent an entire date with someone without a brain, and he left with some strange girl named Dorothy to find one! The nerve (or lack thereof)! You’re better off dating a scarecrow.
  2. A heart and functioning circulatory system. Preferably four-chambered and appended generously with vena cava and aortic arches. You will not believe the amount of people walking around without this basic requirement. Heartless people will also abandon you for tarts whose name happens to start with D.
  3. A GI tract, complete with esophagus, stomach, and intestines. I really cannot stress the importance of this enough. Where would any great person of the centuries be without the basic absorption provided by the villi of the thankless duodenum, ileum, and jejunum? I simply cannot abide a dalliance with another missing the vast 9-meter-long tract of squishy digestive organs necessary for human life. How can I sit across from them, knowing that their sigmoid colon is not coiled safely in their abdomen? No. This is a must.
  4. At least one kidney and urinary tract.  If I must go on a romantic interlude with another hiding their lack of an ascending limb of loop of Henle, I will rip my teeth out rightly from my jaw. Remember: it’s never shameful until you lie about it.
  5. At least 10% of a healthy liver. The full liver would be nice, but what with the alcohol consumption rates and all, especially on forays into the dating scene, it’s best not to be picky. All we need are enough cells to detoxify the body at a sufficient rate, and we’re golden.
  6. An immune and endocrine system. Rather self-explanatory, I think.
  7. Genetic diversity. Let’s face it, the entire point of this ill-begotten exercise of seeking out and copulate with another member of your species (it is your species, right?) is to one day produce smaller gene vessels packaged nicely in a fleshy capsule with which you propagate your own genetic material and perpetuate the species. All that nonsense about love and companionship is secondary: a mere ploy to get you to enjoy your viral work. So why not get yourself some good genetic diversity while you’re at it?

Optional items:

  1. Spleen. This really is more of a perk. Some people have it removed due to damage. Others have wandering spleen. And as I always say, a wandering spleen leads to a wandering eye. The less spleen the better.
  2. Gallbladder. Not all of us are fortunate enough to have a cooperative bile duct. Those who undergo cholecystectomy are still viable mating partners.
  3. Pancreas. If they were used in the first experiments to isolate insulin to determine the cause of diabetes mellitus, you should be throwing yourself at them for being such an asset to humanity, not shunning them for their unfortunate shortcoming.
  4. Appendix. Do we really want to discriminate against the 0.06 repeating percent of people who have undergone appendectomies? It’s unfair.
  5. The other 90% of the liver. It’s really just hanging around.
  6. Reproductive organs. I know I said the point of dating is mating, but really, who needs the distraction of these frankly disgusting organs unnecessary for life? Besides, with IVF and surrogacy, the potential mate need not be fertile for you to do your duty to the Party  – I mean species.

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