What to Look for in a Potential Mate

With all the dating advice and badvice going around nowadays about choosing the perfect partner, special someone, significant other, soulmate, or whatever else you want to call it, I must weigh in with some advice of my own. People covet qualities that are shallow and ill-considered, good for short-term lust but not long-term, enduring relationships. Well, enough of that! Here are the must-haves in your ideal mate.

  1. A brain and nervous system. This really is the bare minimum here. Without these items, your partner will be boring, insensitive, and not a very good conversationalist. Also, they might not be alive. I once spent an entire date with someone without a brain, and he left with some strange girl named Dorothy to find one! The nerve (or lack thereof)! You’re better off dating a scarecrow.
  2. A heart and functioning circulatory system. Preferably four-chambered and appended generously with vena cava and aortic arches. You will not believe the amount of people walking around without this basic requirement. Heartless people will also abandon you for tarts whose name happens to start with D.
  3. A GI tract, complete with esophagus, stomach, and intestines. I really cannot stress the importance of this enough. Where would any great person of the centuries be without the basic absorption provided by the villi of the thankless duodenum, ileum, and jejunum? I simply cannot abide a dalliance with another missing the vast 9-meter-long tract of squishy digestive organs necessary for human life. How can I sit across from them, knowing that their sigmoid colon is not coiled safely in their abdomen? No. This is a must.
  4. At least one kidney and urinary tract.  If I must go on a romantic interlude with another hiding their lack of an ascending limb of loop of Henle, I will rip my teeth out rightly from my jaw. Remember: it’s never shameful until you lie about it.
  5. At least 10% of a healthy liver. The full liver would be nice, but what with the alcohol consumption rates and all, especially on forays into the dating scene, it’s best not to be picky. All we need are enough cells to detoxify the body at a sufficient rate, and we’re golden.
  6. An immune and endocrine system. Rather self-explanatory, I think.
  7. Genetic diversity. Let’s face it, the entire point of this ill-begotten exercise of seeking out and copulate with another member of your species (it is your species, right?) is to one day produce smaller gene vessels packaged nicely in a fleshy capsule with which you propagate your own genetic material and perpetuate the species. All that nonsense about love and companionship is secondary: a mere ploy to get you to enjoy your viral work. So why not get yourself some good genetic diversity while you’re at it?

Optional items:

  1. Spleen. This really is more of a perk. Some people have it removed due to damage. Others have wandering spleen. And as I always say, a wandering spleen leads to a wandering eye. The less spleen the better.
  2. Gallbladder. Not all of us are fortunate enough to have a cooperative bile duct. Those who undergo cholecystectomy are still viable mating partners.
  3. Pancreas. If they were used in the first experiments to isolate insulin to determine the cause of diabetes mellitus, you should be throwing yourself at them for being such an asset to humanity, not shunning them for their unfortunate shortcoming.
  4. Appendix. Do we really want to discriminate against the 0.06 repeating percent of people who have undergone appendectomies? It’s unfair.
  5. The other 90% of the liver. It’s really just hanging around.
  6. Reproductive organs. I know I said the point of dating is mating, but really, who needs the distraction of these frankly disgusting organs unnecessary for life? Besides, with IVF and surrogacy, the potential mate need not be fertile for you to do your duty to the Party  – I mean species.

Anger, and my abundance thereof

Much of my life can be summed up as “Irrational Anger towards Inanimate Objects.” These inanimate objects can include abstract entities.

It’s annoyance, though, not hatred.

Hatred is foreign to me. It is a word whispered in the shadows, worn as a proud badge by some, hissed in tones of venom by others. I don’t hate anything as of yet. I don’t think I’m capable of it. No one’s destroyed my life or hurt my family, friends or community deeply. I can’t say that I can truly hate what I don’t know. For atrocities and large-scale disasters, I can only imagine the emotions of those affected. I’m sure I can’t compare.

I can’t hate. Does that make me a ray of beaming sunshine? No. I can still dislike things. Deep, pervasive dislike padded with juicy slabs of resentment and annoyance is how I go about constructing my feelings of hatred and rage. Layer by layer, they simmer and fester and build until I can’t tell the difference between that and the real thing. And I am annoyed at soooo many things. Apoplectic, furious, enraged even.

For example, are unnecessarily capitalized initialisms and acronyms. I swear to Oxford, next person who writes “Liquid Natural Gas” or “Applied Behavior Analysis” will be subjected to my WRATH. My WRATH, I tell you! Also when the inscrutable processes of the universe lead to unfortunate circumstances, like many vicious cycles. It really grinds my gears to see the universe kick a bison when they’re down. Speciesism is another pet peeve, especially since I am superhypocritical, and I probably possess a latent anthropocentric bias. Human rights? I prefer sapient rights. What have I done to deserve the right to live, anyway? The point here is you don’t have to do anything to deserve it, as long as you’re human. Well, fuck that shit. And is the case with many people, I am annoyed by “stupid people”. “Intelligent people” annoy me equally – when they assume superiority, refuse to admit mistakes, and act holier-than-thou, they are simultaneously more and less credible than the less intellectually gifted who do the same. More, because they have those intellectual gifts, and less because with those gifts they should really fucking know better than to be an ass. (The scare quotes are necessary – generalization of a poorly-defined group of people is a no-no. I’m referring to a certain genre of people generally disdained or praised for their intelligence or lack thereof.) Irrationality is an ingrained part of our reasoning process, and being rigidly logical in every decision is not only time-consuming, it’s impractical. But it leads to group polarization, illusory superiority, confirmation bias, and countless, innumerable, endless other frankly stupid cognitive biases and fucking ridiculous fallacious reasoning.

Why does the world have to be unfair? Why can’t we all have the reassurance of an eternal afterlife of joy and forgiveness? Why can’t we all join arms and sing kumbayya and, you know, not be jerks to each other? Why can’t we all be unselfish and reasonable and assume good faith? (There is a certain irony in disapproving of selfishness, though. Why would another’s personal failure in this respect affect you, unless it takes something from you? If it takes something from you, is that not part of the reason you resent it? If that is part of the reason you resent it, then your motivations for disapproval is at least in part concerned with yourself and your interests, making it…selfish.)

I only vaguely know the reasons, but I resent it anyway.

I am a whiny little bitch, I know. Whenever I do the world any kindness it’s to satisfy my insatiable need for attention. It doesn’t help that my self-worth is completely dependent on external validation. Because, really, I know that if I can’t contribute something someone else wants, I have no worth in this world. I deserve worse than this. But the world can’t be bothered to punish me personally, so I’ll simply bring it upon myself, I think.

See, there it is again. Hypocritical me. I whine about whining while whining. I can see why no one likes it.

I can see my flaws. Projection makes me irrationally angry at everyone who reminds me of them. All these things are just my selective perfectionism, frustrated idealism, and lack of self-confidence screeching, and it annoys me too. I need completion. I need closure. But the nature of the world, with all its suffering, in all the injustices that never get resolved, in everything that should happen but doesn’t and shouldn’t happen but does (you can think of your own specific events), is the ultimate unresolved issue.

It makes me so angry I can’t think straight.

And I kind of enjoy it.

It makes me want to actually tear my hair from its roots. My blood does feel like it’s boiling. It burns, and it burns, and I lap it up. The word “kill” crosses my mind more than once per minute. Kill. I like how it rolls off the tongue. Burn, destroy, kill, delete. But I restrain myself. I see my own biases, warts and all, laid out before me. I do not have the right to demand of strangers to be a better person than I am or to dictate what they do, unless they harm others. Who am I to say anything? Am I intelligent? Compared to the average or the barest definition of “sentient”? As I’ve said before, I haven’t done anything particularly worthy of respect; nothing that distinguishes me from my fellows.

One day though, I hope that I can make this world less intolerable. I want to help others, desperately, when I still can. What is the point of my existence otherwise?

 

Why I’m not interesting

  1. Nothing has happened to me. Some people have rich histories and some incredible adversity they’ve faced or are currently facing, and perhaps overcome. I have none of that. I have a nice, cozy little life, and I am not complaining about that. I’m sure I still have problems, but they’re non-problems compared to some people’s problems, so it really doesn’t register. I would rather have a bland life than a tragic one, so I’m very grateful for this, but that means there’s not much to me. Sorry.
  2. I’ve done nothing. I am passive and ridiculously apathetic. I mean, I volunteer, join clubs, and attend rallies, but that’s just a cover for just how lazy and unproductive I am. I do the bare minimum of social activity that is necessary to qualify me as a participating member of human society. If it were up to me, I’d spend the rest of eternity holed up in my room, surrounded by books, hunched in front of my laptop editing Wikipedia all day. But then I’d be a freeloader, and no one likes that.
  3. My hobbies are boring. I’m nearly immune to the type of activity people usually seem to find “boring”. Organizing the bookmarks on your computer? Hell yes! Colour-coding 1,376 emails by type, sender, and date received with customized tags and stars? Count me in! Any kind of deleting, repetitive skull-numbing task, or proofreading? Why didn’t you invite me earlier? Editing Wikipedia is an exciting and rewarding thing for people like me, but when you are continually met with polite nods and “That’s nice”s when you try to talk to people about it, maybe it’s you, not them. Your boss probably yawned looking at your résumé. As for those who share my interests, well, then I’m not the only one who has those interests. How mundane.
  4. My humour is obscure. It’s not the sort of humour that appeals to the lowest common denominator yet still manages to get their point across, or the high-minded satire that requires a great amount of wit to craft. It’s an amalgam of different styles that can be summed up as an odd, semifunny blend of self-reference, meta-jokes, self-deprecation, deadpan, sarcasm, and non-sequitur. Blech. Some people share it, but not many. I will never reach fame for it, and I am perfectly happy with that.

I’d be lucky to be a side character in a novel, much less the protagonist. That’s what I always found hilarious about most popular video games, actually. They place me in the position of the hero when in reality I belong over there with the NPC sheep farmer. Silly.

To be continued…

Walking into a minefield of flamebait

As we all know, religious and political debates are just impossible. Once you have that kind of passion and unshakable assurance in one’s own correctness, the discussion is never going to be unbiased, and it is unlikely to be civil. I’m not even interested in reading those evolution vs. creationism, Islam vs. everything else, conservatism vs liberalism or pro-life vs pro-choice threads anymore. That kind of vitriol-slathered shitfest is old hat. I’m more interested in something like Buddhism vs. Jainism. What do their arguments look like? “We love and respect animals more than you do!” “I respectfully disagree!”?

I know, I know. That’s a simplification. I’m not here to espouse my views on the content, simply the manner in which they are debated. Please do not assume that I (dis/)agree with anything I discuss here.

Gun control’s another thing. I’ll be the first to admit I don’t know shit about guns. But when I try to look things up, there’s at least seventeen different people from all sorts of standpoints telling me each piece of information I’m trying to research is wrong. It has gotten to the point that I cannot trust anything I read, which is a good thing for a skeptic, but kind of bad when I’m trying to learn. At least just the raw numbers and specs can’t lie to me, right? Wait…those fact-checking, statistic-collecting organizations are all shills and morons. Shit. (There is actually no sarcasm here. I’m being 100% sincere when I ask who I can believe when everyone’s a dumbass according to someone else.)

As for people who “use the race/gender card”, I think perhaps if we used “[insert disadvantaged group] relative disprivilege” instead of “[insert perceived privileged group] privilege”,  people would be less cheesed off. It’s still “playing the victim”, so to speak, to say one has disprivilege, but it doesn’t appear to penalize the “offending”, “privileged” groups. It also doesn’t assume superiority of the privileged group, and it doesn’t try to assign apparent rights that can be hotly disputed (whether they’re right is another matter) to that group. It may be more politically correct (although many people hate political correctness too. I can’t win here, can I?).

Nah. That’s stupid. I can’t just tack a negative prefix on a word and expect it to work as a neologism.

Also, on the subject of word usage, “feminism” is now another word for “unreasoning gynocentrism”. Is it really time to use egalitarian or humanist exclusively? And mental illness, too. You can debate its status as an illness depending on your definition of disease. I use this term half-expecting it to be phased out in favour of something more appropriate.

Words, why must you have so many connotations?!

I’m finding it increasingly difficult to have views based on facts that everyone agrees on. Hell, that’s the only kind of view I want. I’m finding it increasingly difficult to have views, full stop. Period. Let’s be inclusive.

Oh, well. Trying not to offend any person is pointless and spineless. People will get offended at you for breathing. I will suck it up and move on.

What really grinds my gears are the blanket statements, the generalizations, and those who mass insult all the adherents of the ideology in an attempt to discredit the ideology (atheist idiot/religious idiot, conservaturd/libtard, etc.).  If you dismiss my views offhand with lazy insults and without providing a rationale backed by evidence and a certain measure of compassion, how the fuck am I supposed to do anything? Respond in turn with my own ad hominem? (I’ve had so much time to complain about complaining that I forgot about what might be the second most popular device: anecdotal evidence, probably because it’s so emotionally compelling, vivid and close. Also used: tu quoque (“you’re a hypocrite, so your statement is invalid”). Unfortunately, being a hypocrite does not devalue your statements. I should know. I’m quite the hypocrite.) That isn’t proper etiquette, and is invalid in a formal debate. And insults aren’t an argument in themselves – how am I supposed to refute a non-argument?

The correct answer is, don’t. No one “wins” in this scenario. Feelings get hurt, mud gets slung, nothing is accomplished except two factions of people being even more convinced that the other is composed of irredeemable twits. No amount of diatribe or wheedling is going to sway them from their strongly held positions. A bout of severe intestinal disease might. That tends to be life-reaffirming. But who would wish that upon anyone? 

“Don’t feed the trolls,” they say. People think they’re hurting the trolls. You aren’t. They’re all sadomasochists. They lap up your indignant attention like the sweet life-giving milk it is. Back slowly away from your computer and do productive real-world things. Perhaps go to a symposium or conference and join a live debate, I don’t know. At least then you get to insult people to their silly-looking faces.

 

 

Wikisilliness

Someone (User ShiftyMcCoy) entered this into the Wikipedia:Sandbox on Jan. 14, at 22:19:

Recently, I had a rather roving intellectual discussion with someone over some mac ‘n cheeses. The discussion took a number of twists and turns–from the meaninglessness of life to the possibility of a deity–but at some point, we lingered on the concept of chance. How performing one small act, or changing one tiny detail of our past, can have massive ramifications.

With that in mind, I now pose to you perhaps the most massive and important philosophical quandary I’ve ever pondered, one that I’m sure would keep even the most brilliant of thinkers up for days:

……How the fuck did drunken Snapchats lead to all this?

How on Earth did the tomfoolery of two drunken boys lead to nearly a year’s worth of adventures, laughter, mockery, music, and memories?

I have no idea. All I know is what I *didn’t* know; and on December 24, 2014, I did NOT know that my boozy, excited “YES!” to the question “Do you wanna drunk Snapchat some people” would lead to this.

And because of all this, you’ve come to mean a great deal to me. You’ve become perhaps my favorite adventure partner. You’ve become one of my closest and truest friends, one whose unflagging loyalty and undying support I’ll always be able to count on. You’ve become a person I immensely respect, and (quite obviously) a woman I most fancy.

Yup.

Let’s follow this editor further, shall we?

Nastilicious blanks the page, inserting the following:

Kiersten Bunnz is an Transgender Adult Entertainer and Webcam Model, she is 30 years of age and resides the county of Sanford in the state of Florida. Her website is http://www.chaturbate.com/p/nastillicious Her Facebook is https://www.facebook.com/TS.KierstenBunnz Her Twitter is https://twitter.com/TSKierstenBunnz

A bit of autobiographical content. Capitals and punctuation are all awry. This user also tried to create a page on themselves, a common mistake. Harmless.

Ever the literary genius, ShiftyMcCoy swiftly and masterfully responds with:

Kiersten Bunnz is a MASTURBATIN’ Transgender Adult Entertainer and Webcam Model, she is 30 years of age and resides the county of Sanford in the state of Florida. Her website is http://www.chaturbate.com/p/nastillicious Her Facebook is https://www.facebook.com/TS.KierstenBunnz Her Twitter is https://twitter.com/TSKierstenBunnz

Followed by the most eloquent

Your music video: You, clothed in the vestments of the priesthood, cloaked in a red liturgical robe and a golden cross, standing as the conductor of a choir of WHORES. Blood drips down thy arms, sweat flies from thy brow, and the camera zooms in for tight shots upon each of their unholy faces. Your body undulates as your arms thrust violently, your crimson face bulging, until you keel over with a heart attack. As you lay dying, the video intersperses scenes of childbirth and war. THE END

 

Mm.

Further in the past shows a brief history of nonconstructive, vandal-minded, and unambiguously inappropriate edits. However, they clearly put more thought into it than the average blanker, profanity-inserter, repeating character spammer, and troll. Thousands of bytes have been devised and warped meticulously into a regurgitated mess, befouling the innocent pages with their unequivocally nonfactual content.

 

This person is clearly superior to me in either the curation or generation of random and ridiculous content. It is simply embarrassing. For which one of us I’m not certain.

I look forward to following their future edits.

This is just the beginning

Well, here I am at last.

I am here to post about many things, many random things, some of which make sense, most of which won’t.

Why?

I want to, that’s why.

None of this will have any real world-changing capacity. I am not capable of making sense for prolonged periods of time. In fact, most of what I say is insufferable drivel and blithering nonsense, so I expect no one to read this or give a damn. Perhaps in the future, coherency may come to me, but for now, rambling randomness and ridiculousness is the way. Perhaps in the future, I’ll start being notable, but for now, obscurity and non-relevance is my only redress. I shouldn’t try to be notable, really. It does nothing for my vanity.

I really don’t know why I have a site anyway. It’s not like I have anything to share. No one cares about what you had for breakfast or what novel idea you had unless you are a beloved celebrity or brilliant inventor. Or maybe if you’re funny. If we ever lose the Internet by upgrading to some form of sentient interactive multimedia, it would be awesome, and all of this will be lost. I’m hoping I won’t spend too much time here and make that loss a significant one.

Anyways, welcome to the confusion, insignificance and thinly-veiled rage that is my psyche. I do hope you don’t take offense to my wasting of your time. Enjoy your stay.

I know that this is not particularly random or ridiculous. Soon, friends. It will come. Soon.